How to be persuasive 7 secrets from hostage negotiation

How to be persuasive 7 secrets from hostage negotiationHow to be persuasive 7 secrets from hostage negotiationWe all have to have difficult conversations. And theyd be easier if you knew how to be persuasive. Whether its dealing with family members, buying a car or negotiating a raise, persuasion is always a useful skill.But much of what you read doesnt work in tough scenarios.So I decided to call someone who has handled the most challenging scenarios imaginable - ones wherelives are on the lineChris Vosswas the FBIs lead zwischenstaatlich hostage negotiator and hes the author of an excellent new book Never Split The Difference.Think you know what really influences people? Maybe youve read some stuff on the subject before? Well, youre probably making a lot of mistakes. Chris has some of the most counterintuitive - and effective - techniques youve never heard about.Chris focuses onemotions. And this completely changes the game. His methods get people to solve your problems for you - in ways that will make both sides happy.Lets get to it1) Dont be directStraightforward and honest are good qualities. But when youre too direct in a negotiation or heated discussion, it can come off as blunt and rude. You sound like you dont careabout the other sideand just want what you want.Skippinglistening, empathy, and rapportis what turns an easily resolved dilemma into a fight. And you never want to turn a discussion into a war. Be nice andslow it down.Heres ChrisDont think,Im a very direct and honest person. I want people to be direct and honest with me, so Im going to be direct and honest with you. Well, that happens to come across as being very blunt and overly aggressive. If Im bedrngnis aware that my direct and honest approach is actually offensive to you, then Ill be mystified as to what your problem is. Meanwhile, dealing with me might feel likegetting hit in the face with a brick.Cutting to the chase can feellike an attack. So slow down. Smile. Use a friendly tone or acalm voice.(For mora FBI behavioral techniques on how to get people to like you, clickhere.)So what do many negotiation books tell you to do that istotally wrong?2) Dont try to get them to say yesYou hear a lot of advice telling youthatgetting people to say yes multiple times will make them more likely to say yes to whatever you want. Chris feelsthis may have been a good idea in the past, but people are on to it.Youve probably had people try it on you. And you knew what they were doing. And how did it make you feel? Exactly. Icky and manipulated. Trust and rapport just went out the window.People are reluctant to say yes because it makes them commit to something. It makes them defensive. Heres ChrisWhen people say no, they feel theyve protected themselves. No is protection. Yes is commitment. People worry about what have I just committed to by saying yes. But when you say no, you dont commit to anything. Since you just protected yourself, you have a tendency to relax. People actu ally become a lot more open if they feel theyve protected themselves.So what does Chris recommend? Phrase the exact same questions in a wayto get them to say no.Heres ChrisPeople will do things that arent in their best interest, just to prove to you that they have autonomy.If you make it clear to them that its okay to say no, then you help them feel autonomous which makes them more collaborative. You call somebody up on the phone andsay, Have you got a few minutes to talk? That will makeanybody tighten up. Immediately they want to say no to that, because they know if they say yes, theyre going to get hooked in and be kept on the phone. The opposite is to say, Is now a bad time to talk?Chris prefers to use phrasing such as, Would it be a bad idea if? People dont feel locked in, andtheyll often affirm what youre proposing by saying something like, No, thats not a problem.Theres a very powerful way to implement this when youre trying to resolve a situation and youre being ignored. What does Chris say works magic? Just ask one simple question designed to trigger a no.FromNever Split The DifferenceHave you given up on this project?mora often than not the response is a fast, No, weve just been really busy. Sorry about the delay(To learn the methods Chris recommends to lower your bills, clickhere.)So youre no longer being blunt and youre not trying to trick people into saying yes. Great. What other mistakes are you probably making?3) You need to do an accusation auditIf its an argument with a loved one or a business negotiation thats headed south, the other side probably has made some accusations about you. You dont listen or Youre being unfair.And the common response is to start your reply with Im not ____. You deny their feelings. Boom - you just lost the patient, doctor. They now assume youre not on the same page. That they cant trust you.So what does Chris say to do instead?List every terrible thing they could say about you.FromNever Split The DifferenceThe fast est and most effective means of establishing a quick working relationship is to acknowledge the negative and defuse it.Dont be afraid of sounding weak or apologizing. Unless youre holding all the cards, making them feel youre on the same page produces more concessions in the long run than making them feel you dont care or understand.Heres ChrisDenying an accusation enhances the accusation. Saying, I dont want it to seem like I dont care about you, is denying a negative and thats a poor tactical choice. Say, I know it seems like I dont care about you. That defuses the negative.(For more FBI hostage negotiation methods that can get you what you want, clickhere.)So youre doing a lot of things that on the surface might sound crazy trying to get them to say no, acknowledging all their accusations about you What completely insane-sounding thing does Chris also recommend?4) Let them feel in controlManynegotiation books use fighting metaphors and emphasize dominance. Bad idea, says Chris. C ool your inner Rambo.You want a collaborative atmosphere. And if youre both jockeying for control, forget about it. When some people dont feel in control they totally lose it, especially in heated situations. So let themfeelin control.Youre not giving them everything they want or letting yourself get pushed around, but the other side has to feel they have control in order to relax. Heres ChrisSay, Okay, you want to set the agenda? Set the agenda. Ask them open-ended questions. People love to be asked open-ended questions that start with what or how, because it lets them feel like theyre educating you and it gives them a feeling of being in control. It works on two levels. One, it tends to create a more collaborative environment, which means youre going to make a better deal. And, two, if the other side is trying to gain control to cheat you, it letsthemdrop theirguard, so that you can get the upper hand.Playing dumb is an effective strategy. Keep asking those how or what questions.( To learn what a clinical psychologist says works in the most difficult conversations, clickhere.)So you let them feel in control and youre asking a lot of open-ended questions. But how do you know if all this is working? Listen for two magic words5) The two magic words they need to sayThats right. When they say that, you know they feel you understand them. Thats rapport. Now emotions are on your side. Now youre collaborators trying to solve a problem, not warring tribes.Heres ChrisThats a really powerful connection to be able to establish. Theyre telling you they feel connected to you, and they feel a great rapportwith you. If theres anything thats going to move them in your direction swiftly its when theysay, Thats right.What conversational move is most likely to trigger a Thats right?A summary. Paraphrase back to them what theyve been saying. Now they know youre listening and understanding. You dont have to agree, youre just giving a summary.And what words should make you worried? If they say,Youreright. Think about it. When doyousay that? Whenyou want to politely tell people to shut up and go away.(To learn how to read people like Sherlock Holmes, clickhere.)Alright, so weve focused a lot on emotions and getting them on your side. Now how do we actually make progress in the discussion or negotiation? Well, all that listening wasnt just about making them feel good. Its also to get information6) Listen for leversSometimes you feel you have no leverage. But Chris believes there is always leverage. You just have to find it. And you do that by listening and asking questions - which nicelybuilds rapport and makes your counterpart feel in control at the same time.Negotiation is not a fight. Its a process of discovery. When you know their real needs, the real reasons they are resisting you, then youre able to address those directly and problem-solve.Heres ChrisThe other side has got something to tell you that would change everything. Youve gotta get that piece of information out of them. Give them a chance to talk, and theyre going to tell you something really importantLets say their boss told them two days before that if they dont close the next deal, their job is on the line. Maybe theres a company that appears to have all the leverage in the world, but theres a personal pressure on the executive that you dont know about, like they need to close this before they leave on vacation.Youre really looking fortwo things. The stuff theyre intentionally holding back, and then the stuff that they just dont know is important and theyre not going to mention if you dont keep them talking.I saw a good example of this first hand in an MIT negotiation class. Twogroups of students have to decide how to split a bunchof oranges. Both sides have detailed information about theirneeds that the other group cant see.The aggressive students rush in and say, You have to give us all the oranges. These studentsget an F. (They probably also go on to get divorced.)The collaborative students say, Well split the oranges 50/50 with you. Better, but far far far from optimal.What do the smart students do? They ask questions. And what they find out is that the other group only needs the orange peels. And their group only needs the fruit. Both sides can get everything they want. But they never find out if they dont ask.Theres always leverage. But you have to listen.(To learn how to win every argument, clickhere.)So asking questions is a huge part of getting what you want out of any disagreement. Whats the question thatyou should be asking the most?7) How am I supposed to do that?Playing dumb works. In fact, being helpless works too. Asking How am I supposed to do that? is deceptively powerful.It gets them to solve your problems for you and in a way they deem acceptable.FromNever Split The DifferenceCalibrated How questions are a surefire way to keep negotiations going. They put pressure on your counterpart to come up with answers, and to contemplate yo ur problems when making their demands The trick to How questions is that, correctly used, they are gentle and graceful ways to say No and guide your counterpart to develop a better solution - yoursolution.By getting the other side to think about your situation it very oftengets them to grant concessions. And theyre concessions that theyre okay with and will likely stick tobecause it wastheir idea to offer them.Heres ChrisYou want to make the other side take an honest look at your situation. Its the first way of saying no where youre doing a lot of things simultaneously. Youre making the other side take a look at you. You make them feel in control, because its a good how question. You dont want to say it as an accusation. You want to say it deferentially, because theres great power in deference. You want to find out if theyre going to collaborate with you. 9 times out of 10, you get a response thats really very good.Keep askingit. In hostage negotiations Chris would ask it over and o ver How do we know the hostage is safe? We dont have that kind of money. How are we supposed to get it?But how do we deliverthe ransomto you?Now I know what some of you are thinking Eventually theyregoing to say, Youre just going to have to figure it out. And thats fine. Thats the signal you havent left any money on the table.Heres ChrisOf course the one time out of 10 theyll say to you, Well, youre just going to have to figure it out. But even in that caseHow am I supposed to do that? helps you confirm that you have in fact pulled as much value or gotten as many options as you possibly can out of the other side. You found a solid barrier. Your decision now is, Okay, do I like this? Do I move in another direction?(To learn how to use hostage negotiation techniques with your kids, clickhere.)Okay, weve learned a lot from Chris. Lets round it all up and learn the final secret tohow paying attention to emotions canhelp you resolve dilemmas at home and at the officeSum upHeres what Chri s had to say about how to be persuasiveDont be directDirect usually comes off as rude, no matter your intentions. Be nice and slow it down.Dont try to get them to say yesPushing for a yes makes people defensive. Try to get a no.Do an accusation auditAcknowledge all the negative things they think about you to defuse them.Let them feel in controlPeople want autonomy. Ask questions and let them feel like theyre in charge.The two magic words they need to saySummarize their punkt to trigger a Thats right.Listen for leversThey might only need the orange peel. Listen, listen, listen.Keep asking How am I supposed to do that?Let them solve your problems for you.Emotions are critical. Most deals end because of negative feelings and most deals close because people like one another. So dont alienate the other side - unless youaretrying to kill the deal. (And thats an effective technique as well.)But what you really want to do is what that magic phrase How am I supposed to do that? accomplishes so well.It allows you to say no without making an enemy.Chris sums it up nicely in his book with a quote.FromNever Split The DifferenceHe who learns to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.Discussions and negotiations arent about war or winning. Its about finding a way for everyone to get what they want and to be happy with what they get. For the people closest to us, its also about understanding them better through listening.And thats what builds relationships that last.Join more than 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Related postsHow To Get People To Like You 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior ExpertNew Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You HappyNew Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More SuccessfulThis article first appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.